for @citer

[cashewlater]

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[cashewlater]

[ tighnari is still trying, and cyno sighs, tense, his gaze flitting over the crowd, though he sees little. ]

You spoke candidly for two hours.

[citer]

[ a beat. one of tighnari's ears flicker. his gaze assesses the set of cyno's shoulders, the cast of his gaze across the crowd, and back. he has not, he realises, ever seen cyno in this particular mood before. it puts him on edge. it must. the euphoria of having met like-minds dashes against the sudden chill of something unnamed. tighnari's tail stills along his side as he considers, rationally, the implications, even as something cold settles in the pit of his stomach. ]

And I'm capable of speaking for much longer, but only so much as my conversation partner allows for it. [ he draws himself up, the tips of his ears pricked. he is tighnari - he has never faced anything in any way save for head-on. ] Cyno, will you speak to me?

[cashewlater]

[ head-on is how cyno prefers things as well, but perhaps not in this particular setting, and not when he is feeling so torn, so hot-headed. cyno is a patient, disciplined man, it is not often that he allows emotion to get the better of him, however tender his heart might be beneath the thorny exterior of his reputation. this is stupid. this is very, very stupid. they should wait. talk later, when cyno has had the chance to cool his head and think. ]

Yes.

[ but he cannot deny tighnari anything. ]

Not here.

[citer]

Fine. [ tighnari says. it should come off as a relief. it doesn't. the cold weight spreads as he lifts his head to gauge the exit. ]

There's a back garden. I doubt anyone would be there this early in the night. We can leave through that exit.

[cashewlater]

[ fine, tighnari says, suggesting that it is very much not fine, but cyno responds with a simple gruff noise, and turns.

the walk to the garden is short, but cyno does not stop once they enter. it isn't until they're a good way into the labyrinthine passages of well-maintained vines and delicate canopies that he stops in a secluded alcove, turning to face tighnari, his expression distant. it's quite beautiful here, fragrant and manicured, with hanging lights that glimmer and glow, but cyno isn't feeling particularly appreciative of the scenery. ]

[citer]

[ cyno turns towards the double doors. tighnari looks at him, and puts a name to the weight. fear, he thinks. it's fear. it's not the first time he felt so. there had been a seven year old valuka shuna in the sanctuary of surasthana who had asked a question deemed inappropriate. he would not eat for three days, and three links of his chain would be removed and resoldered bringing him three steps back towards the wall. tighnari follows cyno's retreating back, and feels the weight of azar's gaze following him in turn.

the night air is expansive. the sky seems terribly far. he follows cyno to the mazy interior of the thicket, and then, when presented with silence, considered his choices. tighnari doesn't quite realise his ears have flattened until he finds himself pulling them forward. this, he thinks, is trouble. for a moment, the stone in his stomach wars with pride. for a moment, it nearly wins. he lifts his head. ]

Cy- [ tighnari stops himself, then shakes his head. ] I'll leave you here. When you can bring yourself to speak to me again, you may find me. [ and then, without a hint of irony: ] There are only so many places here where I can go.

[cashewlater]

I came here with you, didn't I? I said I'd speak with you.

[ he simply.. does not know what to say, without feeling like a fool. without saying something he may come to regret.

cyno is no good at this. he's always struggled with processing and expressing his own feelings, and now that they've become so entangled and complicated, it's even more difficult. his gut feels like a swamp. cyno's entire body is stiff, but he sighs, glances downward. the distant chatter of voices and lilting music drifts across the gardens. ]

I have no talent for this.

[citer]

[ cyno speaks, at last. tighnari's ears still. he looks at him for a moment, gauging - and then hating himself for it.

the cautious question is his only allowance: ]

For what?

[cashewlater]

Talking. People. You.

[ a beat, and cyno presses his lips together. ]

I thought we were meant to spend this night together.

[citer]

[ the beginning of a tale to unravel, tighnari thinks. ]

We were. [ he says, slowly, ] We came together, and we will leave together. You weren't pleased that I was away.

[cashewlater]

That wasn't my impression of spend the night together.

[ what happened to not allowing him to suffer alone?

though that, cyno knows, is not the entire truth. ]

I thought you would be away ten minutes, not two hours. I was worried for you.

[citer]

[ tighnari's ear flinches. the ostentatious baubles jingle, and with an annoyed flick, he removes one. ]

You are upset because I spent two hours' worth of time away from you. You, Cyno.

[cashewlater]

[ at this, cyno's face flushes hot, and he's quick to glance away, both arms crossing tightly. ]

Yes. On a night we were meant to spend in one another's company. Without notice.

[ you disappeared on him on a DATE, TIGHNARI. ]

[citer]

[ motion slips into form. cyno crosses his arms, and in the conception of motion, tighnari is already flinching. he looks at him, the red flush of his face. without notice, on a night we were meant to spend in one another's company. he thinks back to the previous nights, the month that they spent wrapped up in each other's unending company, and thinks -

the cold stone sinks. it lodges itself somewhere where tighnari can't quite reach. ]

And would giving you notice have assuaged your worries, Cyno, or would only have saying 'no' satisfied it? Your worry [ he bites down the word. it nearly splinters in half. ] seems the shape of a cage.

[cashewlater]

[ cyno's brows lift high, his muted annoyance all at once converging into shock. ]

A cage?

[ something rushes in cyno's breast, a prickling heat, and though his expressions are often stoic, it is clear that that word is a barb to him. he's wounded. ]

I give you every freedom, Tighnari. You can come and go as you please, you could come to the city any time to speak with scholars and doctors, tonight you said - you said you would not leave me to suffer alone. Is it a cage to expect you to have honored your word?

[citer]

[ it clicks: the surliness, the silence, the inability to look his way. cyno had taken tighnari at his word. tighnari had not honoured it by standing with him. he had expected him there. he had not been. and that glance to him in the moment, it had been a warning to say no.

tighnari's ears stand to the full of their height, before, slowly, he lowers them. they press back like two, long stalks as he considers it, his gaze unflinching in cyno's, until, finally, he allows himself to nod. the gesture takes strength. he breathes in. ]

You're right. I unthinkingly broke my word. I left you alone tonight when I said I would not. I acknowledge that I was wrong, and I apologise. [ clear, and bloodless: ] You have been wronged.

[cashewlater]

[ tighnari apologizes, and cyno.. does not know what to do with it, at first. he had expected more conflict, but tighnari nods, his ears lying flat, and cyno feels the anger and irritation flood out of him like sails losing their wind. he deflates, his gaze flickering low, pale lashes kissing his cheeks. ]

No, I -

[ cyno's jaw sets. he's searching for the right words, the proper way to string them together, but navigating interpersonal relationships has always been difficult, for cyno. ]

I'm being unreasonable. [ he dips his head. ] This behavior is unbecoming of a Matra.

[citer]

You are being unreasonable. Not for a Matra - for you. [ equally bloodless. tighnari looks at cyno, and he thinks - he doesn't know this cyno. the one that holds accountability not in words, but in avoidance. not the one with rules on number of hours spent apart. this one, the cold weight in him says, this ones makes him fear.

tighnari wishes he can say that fear has never stopped him from speaking his mind. but that, too, is unreasonable, even for him. ]

I had not expected that you would think of the freedom I have right now is from you.

[cashewlater]

[ cold shame rolls over him like a stinging fog, and cyno's hands ball into fists at his side. perhaps he should have taken tighnari's suggestion and spoken about this later, once his mind came back to him, but that is simply another error on his part, borne from lack of past friendships to guide him. ]

Please, forgive me.

[ cyno may not be good with interpersonal relationships, but he is exceptionally good at reading people, and after knowing tighnari for months now, he can sense that fear as easily as he would read pages on a book. for tighnari to feel fear of any kind around him.. the idea alone makes his stomach twist painfully. ]

I had preconceptions about how this night would be, I should not have placed them on your shoulders. You're free to spend your time however you wish.

[citer]

No. I gave you my word, and I should have honoured it. I should not give you my word when I can't do so.

[ tighnari looks at him. ] What am I to forgive you for? For voicing that my freedom is a gift? Cyno, [ bleakly: ] gifts can be taken away.

[cashewlater]

I had not meant to imply that. Tighnari, I -

[ his expression sets, and for a moment cyno's gaze is distant, as if he's caught up in other thoughts, looking somewhere that is not here. the subject of tighnari's freedom is complicated at best, and there are many moving parts involved in cyno's work right now. ]

Your freedom should not be a gift, it should be a right. [ and cyno should never infringe upon it - and for such petty reasons. ] Though I know it is not that simple.

[citer]

It isn't. [ he agrees. his tail is a still thing behind him. the chill of the night air is impermeable.

cyno looks past him, and tighnari's mouth shuts. ] What are you thinking?

[cashewlater]

[ cyno breathes deeply, speaks calmly. ] Do you hear anyone near? [ his gaze meets tighnari's again, his expression smooth and even. this is not a safe topic to discuss, openly. cyno's ears are keen, and he's heard no sign of anyone approaching, but tighnari's ears are better still. ]

[citer]

[ tighnari's ears flinch. he listens for a moment, the cold weight like ice - and then, slowly, shakes his head. ]

No. But I will admit to not having been paying attention for the last several minutes. [ it's irrational, but the fear consolidates. azar, he thinks, bleak. ] I would like to leave, now.

[cashewlater]

[ cyno nods. ] Home? [ or back to the gala? ]